I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
