Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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