3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
