if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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