If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
