sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
do herpes really smell.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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