I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
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