Little spoons don't ask big questions
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize