So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
