If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Found your dick twin last night
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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