I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
