After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
