is your mom at the bar?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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