Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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