I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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