you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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