Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
That accounts for only three of the penises
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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