Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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