Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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