i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize