his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Never underestimate the power of titties
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