Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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