My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My vagina is very pro this idea
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