Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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