U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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