Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
