he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have fence marks all over my body
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
