I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
