cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
