When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
