If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
