yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
