just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
