I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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