Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
