I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
