Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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