I faked an abortion last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
