She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
