pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
