You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
