i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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