i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
