how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
