He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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