I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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