I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
