my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
