remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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