It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
