I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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