I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
