I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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