I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
