Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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