i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize