Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
where are you?
Hypothermia
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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