y did u give ur computer a hand job?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
