My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
