I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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