life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
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