Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
