I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
