Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
